I’m a stay at home mom and I will not shut up

There’s an article that I’ve seen making the rounds on Facebook over the last couple of days titled, “Dear Stay At Home Moms, Please Shut Up.” I almost didn’t read it because it was so antagonistically titled, but then I saw it liked by people I love and some of whom I’ve called when this whole SAHM gig was feeling overwhelming. I decided that maybe the article wasn’t a bunch of “Mommy Wars” BS – even if the title was & gave it a read. I was wrong.

There are SO MANY THINGS in her article that are problematic (heterocexism, classism, I could go on), but I’m not going to pick it apart piece by piece. I’m going to simply disagree with her whole premise that stay at home moms need to “be content or quit whining.” The thing is, I refuse to be content in a situation that needs to change. I don’t mean the situation of me being a stay at home parent, I mean the situation that makes it such a thankless, untenable position in our society.

I will not stop talking about how hard it is, as long as the Huffington Post and other websites keep trotting out articles from well-meaning husbands that can be summed up as “I thought my wife was lazy, but then I stayed home with the kids & turns out – it’s a tough gig. That’s right – we can now agree that parenting is hard because I, A MAN, said so! Now applaud me for discounting my wife’s experiences until I had them for myself!”

I will not stop talking about career dreams until people stop claiming the wage gap exists because women choose to stay home and raise kids – when it actually starts with a woman’s first job out of college and is often the REASON women (instead of men) stay home with the kids, NOT the other way around. Our plan was to have my husband stay home, but he makes more than me & with twins we simply cannot afford for me to work. Fulltime childcare costs more than I have ever made, despite my graduate degree & long work history.

Here’s the thing – I actually feel quite lucky to stay home with my kids. I know my husband would rather spend his days with them than behind a desk, even if he finds his job challenging and fulfilling. And even though, I often envy that he gets to shower every day – not too mention leave the house before the first poopy diaper needs to changed – I am happy to listen to him if he has complaints about his day or if he is sad to have missed a milestone. And he listens to me when I tell him about how exhausted I am or how lonely it can get in the middle of the day when I’m doing my third load of laundry for the day. Because we’re not assholes to each other.

The same is true of my friends. Parents and non-parents, stay at home, work at home, full-time employed, full-time students, unemployed, whatever. I listen to them and they listen to me. Life is hard, no matter your choices or circumstances, sometimes things suck. When those times come, I need someone who I know I can call and say, “Today is hard. Sometimes I just want to runaway to Bermuda.” And they will not think that means I don’t love my children or my spouse or my life. They will just know that I need a friend and they will listen.

The author of the article telling me to please, shut up says, “Just stop knocking on my door with your greasy hair and your caffeine withdrawals and sit at my kitchen table and try to convince me that your children are Satan's spawn and gripe that you had to clean all three toilets today.”

In response, I offer this:

Come knock on my door. Sit at my kitchen table. I’ll brew a fresh pot of coffee and listen.

You can tell me about how your children are Satan’s spawn & I’ll laugh and know that only children you love so deeply could drive you to say that.

You can tell me about how, as a working parent, you’re heartbroken that you missed your child’s first step & I’ll know that you sacrificed being there at that moment to put food on the table or achieve your career goals.

You can tell me that working from home means you have to do all the laundry and still meet work deadlines, even when all the kids and the dogs are puking & I'll know you love your kids, your dogs, & your job if you're willing to put up with all that to not have to give up any of it. 

You can tell me about how you never want kids, but work or school feels like it’s sucking the life out of you & I’ll encourage to follow your dreams.

You can tell me that you never wanted kids, but now you’re pregnant & don’t know what to do & I’ll tell you I trust you to know what is right for you as you make your decision.

You can tell me that you really want kids, but just found out you can’t have them & would really rather meet me at coffeeshop without my kids & I will meet you at that coffeeshop and not mention my kids until you bring them up.

Simply put, you can be a human being having a hard time and I won’t be an asshole to you. Life is hard. Even when we have everything we wanted, there are some days we need to vent. If I’ve learned anything in this last year plus of being a stay at home parent, it’s that we need each other.

Last February, I only left the house twice. In the whole month. My steep driveway was a sheet of ice. We had to leave the car in a neighbor’s driveway for a week. It was really hard. And I called some of you. Some of you came over in your AWD vehicles and hung out with me. Some of you listened to me cry about how lonely I felt. Some of you let me cook for you. Some of you came over and cooked for me. Nobody told me to “be content or quit complaining.” Maybe you wanted to, but you didn’t. Instead you listened. And when I was done complaining, we talked about the wonder in my life and I was able to be content. Because when things suck, they don’t get better by pretending they don’t suck. If your situation sucks and you need to change it, I encourage you to do so. But if your situation is generally good and some days you happen get tired of being puked upon or shit upon – literally or metaphorically – and just need to vent then I offer you my friendship. 

Come knock on my door. Sit at my kitchen table. I’ll brew a fresh pot of coffee and listen. This can also be redeemed via phone.