Letting Myself Go

I saw an essay recently about "Moms who have really let themselves go." The non-Mom author felt her Mom friends shouldn't be surprised to discover that their sex lives have dwindled, their partners are unfaithful, and their friends avoid them - since these Moms have really let themselves go. They don’t take time to do their hair or wear makeup. They haven’t lost the pregnancy weight& wear unflattering clothes. Just really let themselves go.

This sparked two visceral reactions within me:

1) I wanted to punch her in the face. If your partner is cheating or your friends reject you over your hair, makeup, & clothing – they are ASSHOLES.

2) I thought, “But I have let myself go, haven’t I?” I feel frumpy. My twins are fourteen months old. The pregnancy weight I lost so quickly after they were born (nothing burns calories like a breastpump) is creeping back. I find myself thinking, "Shouldn't I have more energy than this?"

In these moments, I completely forget that I still get up with at least one kid in the middle of the night regularly. I also forget that I spend nearly every waking hour caring for two toddlers.

I never wear my hair down and rarely wear makeup. As for clothes – no, they don’t fit right. My body has permanently shifted and changed. Nothing I bought before I was pregnant will ever fit me in the same way again.

I need new clothes & a haircut. Desperately. Yet, every time I consider making an appointment for my hair or going shopping I calculate how long I could feed my children for the same cost. I forget my children aren't starving. Yes, money is tight. There will never be a day when money is not tight. The twins will always need things, but so will I.

I have let myself go. I have let go of my wants & prioritized their needs, their wants, and the things I imagine they might want. Not all of this is bad. It's good to be a bit self-sacrificing as a person and especially as a parent. Kids are tiny people trying to figure out what it means to be human and there are a lot of things they need help with on their journey. They can’t feed or clean themselves when they’re teeny. We need to do that for them, for now. In the future, as their own abilities progress and allow, we need to stop doing that for them.

This isn’t just about stuffing their faces and wiping their butts. This is about everything. Most children will move out eventually and they will need to know how to care for themselves. Perhaps more importantly, I am modeling roles and behaviors for them. How can I expect my kids to believe that a woman doesn’t have to sacrifice herself on the altar of motherhood if that’s what I’m doing every single day?

I love me. I’m a wonderful person who has done and been amazing things before I had my twins. I don’t want to let go of that version of me because I’m a mom. I want to add mother to my list of awesome traits and roles. I don’t want it to consume all the others. That has nothing to do with wearing yoga pants and skipping the makeup. But it has everything to do with taking time to take care of myself.

I’m okay with letting myself go, but I’m not going to let go of me.