My grandfather called me his “blonde bombshell” when I was three. “I’m NOT a blonde dumbbell!” I yelled & punched him in the nose.
Somewhere along the way, that self-assured kid got lost. She
learned that she laughed too loudly for a girl, that boys would pick her for
their kickball team but would never want to kiss her if she was good at sports,
that fat was the worst thing she could ever be, that she was smart but it was
arrogant to admit it, & that the only acceptable way to speak about herself
was negatively.
I said she got lost but truthfully, I buried her. I put duct tape over
her loud mouth & hog-tied her active limbs. I’m not sure exactly when, but
I remember feeling too loud, too abrasive, just too much of everything in
elementary school.
In fifth grade, I started to wear a bra & get hips. The
other girls my age didn’t need bras or have curvy hips. I wasn’t only too loud,
too rough, too snarky, I now had too much body. Everything about me felt
excessive & I wanted to shrink.
I curled inside myself and didn’t feel entitled to anything,
not even love. Sometimes I didn’t even feel entitled to the life I had been
given & a few times, I tried to give that life back to the earth by taking
it away from myself. I was ten years old the first time I attempted suicide.
I believed that I had nothing to offer the future. I didn’t
feel entitled to breathe the air that someone else could use. I had already taken
too much, been too much, & I wanted to be nothing. I wanted to shrink and
get out of everyone’s way.
I have since rediscovered that brazen, self-assured little girl
who would punch anyone, even her grandfather, for calling her stupid. Not only
within myself, but I see her in my daughters
I don’t want them to lose her, as I did. I worry that they won’t feel entitled to all that is theirs by birth.
They are entitled to grow, to explore, to fail,
to succeed, to love, to live, to learn, and to fail a hell of a lot more.
Sadly, I expect they will have to fight for those things. The world will never
let my kids forget that they were designated female at birth. If they are
trans*, they’ll face a higher risk of physical or sexual violence based on that
fact alone. If they are cis, they’ll fare a bit better. The world will try to
pay them $0.72 for every $1.00 it pays cismen. The world will tell them their
worth is tied to their bodies, which will be too much or not enough. The world
will tell them their worth is tied to their sexuality, their sexual experiences
or lack of them.
The world will tell my kids they are not entitled to bodily
autonomy. It will tell them through judging their clothing choices, their
decisions to pierce or not pierce their bodies, to tattoo or not tattoo their
bodies, to have or not have children.
The world will tell my children they are not entitled.
It is my job to do everything in my power to help them hold
on to their entitlement throughout the barrage and assault the world will throw
at them. It breaks my heart to admit this, but I may not succeed. But you can
bet I will do my damnedest to raise a couple of entitled children.
Great spin on "entitled." I'm so focused on making sure my children aren't entitled (as in brats) that I lose sight of the big picture. I don't want to steam roll their autonomy. I really love this post!
ReplyDeleteI think we all lose sight of the big picture on a regular basis. Even if, as they say, "It's all small stuff" - sometimes there's just so damn much of it! I'm glad you enjoyed the post & thank you for taking the time to comment.
DeleteBeing a gay father and having (4!) daughters between my husband and I, I feel this post and love the way you turned entitled into something good. Right there with you and this!
ReplyDeleteThanks! I grew up as one of eight kids & it didn't seem like that many at the time - it was just my normal. Now, as a parent to two, I realize that even four sounds like SO MANY KIDS! I tip my hat to you and your husband.
DeleteIndeed a great take on entitlement! I struggle to teach my daughter those same lessons. I too spent my adolescence trying to disappear, though I never attempted to end my life. Your daughters are lucky to have you.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Nancy. Sadly, it seems that trying to disappear (metaphorically or literally) is a rite of passage in adolescence these days. I don't know if we'll be the generation of parents to change all that - with so much attention being given to bullying lately it feels like maybe we will. Your daughter is lucky to have you as well.
DeleteI love love love your take on "entitled". What a delight to reclaim that word and remove the pejorative. I'm so pleased you have found that feisty, clinging to life for all she's worth self again. She sounds like a pretty awesome person ;)
ReplyDeleteThanks! That feisty girl, she is pretty great. ;)
Deleteohh. i do like your spin on 'entitled.' it is something i totally didn't expect. well written with such conviction. =)
ReplyDeleteThank you.
DeleteI came here expecting something along the lines of how 'privileged' kids are these days and I was blown away instead by the raw power of your post. As for the suicidal ten-year-old you, my biggest hugs. May the children grow in a freer, more accepting time. We can always hope.
ReplyDeleteI think the world is generally moving towards more inclusivity, but there will always be those who scream loudly to try and hold us back. But I'm with you, we have to hope for a better future because all of us, our children included, are entitled to it.
DeleteThis blew me away and all my expectations for "entitlement." Amazing post.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
DeleteThat is awesome. Good for you!
ReplyDelete