Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Flight Suggestions

         

We’re flying to Utah for the holidays. In preparation for flying with fifteen-month old twins, I have developed a massive case of anxiety & a few theories about how air travel might be improved.

You probably know that kids under 2 can fly in your lap. This saves you the cost of paying for a seat they will refuse to sit in & earns you the disdain of your fellow passengers. (Except the old lady that reeks of cigarette smoke & coughs like the she has the plague. She wants to kiss your baby, probably on the mouth.)

You may not be aware that the airlines only allow one lap infant per row – nod knowingly with me, twin parents. So, Craig & I will be sitting across the aisle from each other, each with a kid in our lap, on most of our flights. For one flight, we could only get two aisle seats in sequential rows. Which means the kid in the row further back can torture both parents simultaneously by kicking the seat in front of her. Perfect.

Anyway, this brings me to my first suggestion. The airlines have to keep track of which seats have lap infants because they cannot have two in one row. The airlines also keep track of which seats have been purchased. I propose that airlines indicate which seats, if any, will have lap infants during the seat selection process of purchasing tickets. Let’s be honest – nobody wants to sit next to the parent with the lap infant. You can be a perfectly nice human being and still not enjoy the prospect of being squished up next to a baby, doing normal baby things like crying & pooping, for HOURS. I expect to hate it & they’re my kids.

I’m willing to bet some people would look at different flights rather than sit next to a baby. At the very least, forewarned is forearmed. If I knew I was going to be seated next to a lap infant, I’d bring noise-canceling headphones, sleeping pills, and a $5 pashmina from a street vendor that I could throw away if, let’s be honest – when, it ends up covered in baby excretions.

My second suggestion is to help counter that anxiety I mentioned. Imagine: the moment you confirm that you are flying with children your itinerary gets forwarded to your primary care physician who writes you a prescription for the anti-anxiety medication of your choosing. Brilliant, right? Then you might be able to figure out how to pack extra clothes, toys, food, diapers, bottles, and the all-important Benadryl into your carry-on luggage, without innumerable panic attacks. Maybe. As long as you stop picturing your child having a complete meltdown mid-flight because you packed the wrong color pacifier, while the asshat two seats over loudly expresses that HER kid wouldn’t dare act like that.

Speaking of that lady, my final suggestion grew out of a desire to ingratiate myself to her, as well as the other hypothetical passengers I keep imagining. I thought it would be a nice gesture to buy them all a drink. Then I remembered that the cost of airline tickets during the holidays ate all my money. So, I propose that the airlines offer a complimentary alcoholic beverage to any adult passengers seated within two rows of a lap infant. On any flight with more than two lap infants, ALL adult passengers should be given a free alcoholic beverage – except those within one row of the lap infants – THOSE poor sods should get two free drinks, minimum.

 


11 comments:

  1. I'll never forget the baby on a flight I took once... he giggled and squealed gleefully every time the plane hit a bit of turbulence, and had the time of his life during the landing (and so did everyone else, as a result). The complete opposite of what you usually expect from mini humans in situations like that, so, you never know!

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    1. Wow - that's amazing! I'm going to hope that my kids are able to have fun & if not, that they at least sleep. ;)

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  2. Wow, I wish you the best of luck! When I brought my 13 month old daughter home from China she screamed for 19 of the 21 hours of travel, finally falling asleep on the last leg of the journey from California to Philadelphia.
    Keep in mind the noise of the plane drowns out a lot of baby noise!

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    1. Ooph! That sounds really rough. Thanks for the heads up about the plane noise. That's actually very reassuring.

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  3. These are brilliant (and very funny) suggestions. I would happily consume free alcoholic beverages and I'm someone who actually likes kids on flights. And when my kids were babies, I was immensely grateful for all the understanding folks on all the flights we took. Very funny piece.

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    1. Thanks, Asha. FREE DRINKS FOR EVERYONE! I'm hoping for the best of humanity to shine through if my kids have a hard time. *fingers crossed*

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  4. Good luck! Also that asshat's child was quiet because it was smearing feces on the back of the seat in front of it.

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    1. HAHAHAHAHA!

      And thanks for the well wishes - I'll take all the luck I can get!

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  5. These are well thought-out suggestions. I especially like the idea about picking a seat.
    I hope the trip goes well.

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    1. Thanks! However it goes, I'm sure there will be a blogpost in there somewhere. :)

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  6. Really good one.. once my 4 month old had decided to poop after we had all prepared to land.. it was a terrible situation. Now when i see babies in the plane, i think of that encounter and 'Keep Calm'.

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